moon time

05-01-16 § Leave a comment

oh my god i’m doing it two days in a row. this is probably only happening because jason hasn’t been here. when i stop being lonely (for him only) i probably won’t be so regular at this????? who the hell knows

speaking of regular, like clockwork my period is here on the first and it hurts so bad i can’t stand up straight and am also having trouble sitting in this chair because my knees and lower back are having their period too apparently. my life is too fucking exciting. can’t wait to have a job that i have to get lectured at for calling off too much because of my uterus issues. not that any of these places are calling me back. haha i love me and my life is great and i DON’T wanna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like what the hell am i supposed to do, go to work when i’m all hunched over and shitting myself/about to faint and puke? okay jo stop talking about your fucking menstruation this isn’t what you’re gonna wanna read about years from now when you go to delete this wordpress GOD

i have $7.33 to my name and someone is mad tryna hack my paypal account. THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE MY 7 DOLLARS. i also have no cigarettes as of 5 seconds ago. i know suffering and it is changing me. i can’t sell shit, no one wants my pristine, tags-still-on freepeople wardrobe. why must i remain poor and helpless.

oh well, i’m gonna go sit in the shower and cry, this was pointless. like my existence


i could be your gruesome suitor

04-30-16 § Leave a comment

ew look who it is it’s me bitch! popped a xannie i’m sweatin. jk more like popped a xannie i feel like a normal functional human being for the first time in like weeks? woke up today, felt like shit from my impending menstrual doom and onset of what i think is tonsillitis. but the sun is shining and i’m hot so things isn’t all bad is they. it’s gonna rain later though and it’s not that warm, EW. it’s that time of year when i need warmth and sunlight to not feel like i’m going to halfheartedly eviscerate myself with a grapefruit spoon.

i’m a jobless bum right now so i’m working real hard on ye olde pretend internet business to try to sell my junk and make a little bit of money. i did apply at some places (RETAIL places. kill me) but no call backs so far. will have to apply at more places today i guess. can’t wait to be overworked and underpaid and coming home from a job everyday that makes me want to sob! yay! why did i not go to that college thing and make something out of my worthless ass self? whoops-a-daisy! idfk, i just know i have like 20 days to make enough money to be able to buy a present for jason for his birthday next month and be able to take him out cause it’s his 21st. i don’t know what i wanna get him or where i wanna take him but i would like to orchestrate it all to be something that he really likes and enjoys. back in october for my birthday he made me so happy. got me a bpal gift card, an ulta gift card, gave me money. of course he could have shit into his cupped hands and offered that to me and i would have been ecstatic, but. he was such a sweetheart about it all. i love that boy to death and i want to make him happy. also i’ve been a less-than-perfect RELATIONSHIP PARTNER lately so i want to start being better. not that buying people stuff makes up for your shortcomings, obviously, i just want to be the best me i can be for him because he deserves it and i love him.

i cannot wait for it to be summer. i can’t wait to spend a summer with him being mine and me being his. i look forward to so much in my life because he’s in it. i want me and him to be able to have a place together. our own place. just anywhere but living here, in my father’s basement, where i have to worry that drug addicts will steal my stuff and dogs will chew up my most valuable belongings or that i’ll get diseases from black mold or bit by hellish spiders in the night or have panic attacks over all of it. i live in a toxic household woe is me! for real tho i just want my own bathroom. like to clean and make nice looking and take ghetto fabulous baths in. i want my own kitchen where i can cook my own damn food. i want my independence and i guess that means i have to get off my lopsided ass and start doing stuff? doing stuff is hard

anyway, i do wanna start using this wordpress account. EVEN THOUGH I KEEP SAYING THAT THEN NEVER DOING IT. i’m gonna try. cause it’s good for me to journal about my life in any capacity so i should be doing it as ~self care~ or whatever. yeah. there’s a lot of other stuff i need to do for me too. smoke less cigarettes, get less insecure, eat less dairy, be less self-defeating, set goals, try harder. these things are all easier said than done, especially when you’re me. oops that was me being self-defeating lol. THE ROAD IS LONG! but like the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step or whatever, i guess

morning medicine

05-31-15 § Leave a comment

yesterday was my day off, which coincided perfectly with that first ungodly day of my special moontime vagina bloodbath bullshit party where i lay around moaning and heaving as i’m ravaged by an invisible serrated blade. today i only work 6 hours, but i kinda still feel like i’m miscarrying the fetus of a demon. oh well, i guess. gotta make that living wage! that’s a joke because I DO NOT MAKE ENOUGH TO LIVE HAHA! i can’t call off anyway because i’ve already had the lecture about “attendance” 3 times. (is this school? or am i an adult at my JOB?) maybe i could if i could get a doctor’s excuse but i can’t afford healthcare, so, hi.

well, they’re gonna love me at work today, cause i’m gonna be going slow as shit and running to the bathroom every five minutes to let out the extremely loud and painful farts that won’t stop wracking my sad body. i LOVE having a uterus. plus i have no tampons so i’m wearing my ~diva cup~ and i have to say having a huge silicone cup of my own entrails lodged inside me all day does NOT make me feel like a woman of outstanding talent in the opera. tampons are the devil and everything, but. pain.

17979089309_5b2fff2cf7_ki guess the trick to getting through the day when everything blows is taking the right pills!!!!!! *shrugging emoji*

it’s supposed to storm really bad today so i hope the power goes out while i’m at work and then we can MAKE A FIRE AND ROAST MARSHMALLOWS AND TELL GHOST STORIES or maybe i can just slip out unnoticed, skip town and change my name and let everyone think i was kidnapped in the confusion. i’ll keep you updated, invisible, pretend audience of mine

dream houses + flowers

05-28-15 § 1 Comment

i just found a cicada shell outside and got excited. it was just a little shit of a thing, but a cicada nonetheless. in other words: it’s summer. i can’t wait for them to be sitting in every tree, screaming their desperate hellacious booty calls at a decibel level that could burst my eardrums, careening drunkenly through the nasty humidity with but one noble cause: to get fucked. just like me.

i had memorial day off, and then tuesday and wednesday too. 3 days in a row of not working is good and bad. less money, but more fun, which then also causes less money. i have $16 in my bank account even though i just got paid last friday. being poor is neat! although i shouldn’t have taken us out to red lobster when we were on our memorial day adventures, i don’t regret it because fucking crab legs and delicious alcoholic beverages, that’s why. momma needs her goofy juice! don’t deny an old witch her pleasures, or whatever, goddamnit

i also for some reason thought it was a good idea to go to our town’s public pool on memorial day with a bunch of open wounds on my body so now i’m pregnant and have west nile. that is how it works, don’t question me, i’m a doctor. we only stayed there for like an hour and a half because amanda was “cold”. BOOHOO BITCH. at least i got to swim around in a half-chlorinated sea of pubes and dead wasps for an hour though! after that we went to target so amanda could let me pick out hair dye for her and i accidentally made her a redhead WHOOPS SORRY AMANDA YOU’RE ME NOW WELCOME TO HELL. then we went to see the new poltergeist movie at 10:45 at night, we got there late, didn’t know it was 3-D, were the only ones in the theater and it was the worst movie ever. why remake that movie first of all but ugh we should have walked out and got our money back. regrets!

then on tuesday, chris appeared back into my life out of the blue and whisked me and mark away on an adventure to pittsburgh, ikea, and a japanese steakhouse. i love eating raw fish because i want to die! that day was fun too because i love being spontaneous and reckless and driving to pittsburgh for any reason at all. with no money. in someone else’s car. kill me.

this is getting boring, i came here to post pictures but oops a fuckin daisy all i did was blab about my boring existence. i feel like i don’t have the energy now to open up another tab, go to my flickr, and INSERT all that media because i’m so depressed i can barely breathe, but i should force myself to do it because i DESERVE TO SUFFER




P1010330i don’t want to go to work in two hours. for a four hour shift. $9 times 4 hours is $36. it isn’t even worth the gas it takes to get there. funnel my blood into a super soaker and shoot it into the depths of hell because i’ll be poor for the rest of my life.

the marks on your head look like stars in the sky

05-23-15 § Leave a comment

look, nobody, i’m back! i made this wordpress blog in like 2007 i think; i’m currently wading through past private entries of delightfully spun gay porn yarns trying to figure it out. i had quite a thirst for hot man on man action in a steampunk circus setting during my youth, i did! (HEY my idea for a dramatic futuristic sci-fi circus novel was GOOD okay) but yeah, 2007 sounds about right. i am no longer the oxygen-deprived teen weeaboo degenerate i once was, i will soon be 27 and am now an elder internet user yet again wanting to contribute my useless word vomit to the BLOGOSPHERE as i did in the days of olde, when the earth was young and so was my mortal soul!!!!! nothing much has changed with me. i am less stupid and less ugly, though, so those are good things! i am, however, still (STUPID) addicted to morning procrastination: chain smokin and online shoppin and a thousand cups of coffee when i should be showering my heathen carcass and preparing it for a 9 hour shift of retail good times. eating, too, is a good thing to do before you go to work. you need to eat to stay alive, trust me bitch i’m a doctor.

so here i am at this 8 year old blog, doing what, i do not know. i just want to get back into mindlessly writing about my maybe not-so-mundane life in a way that is therapeutic to me. there is no one here; no one “follows” this blog. i’m not really sure how that works here on wordpress tbh. i am choosing this place though because all the other blogging platforms for journal-style writing that i used to know and use went down the pooper (lol greatestjournal and livejournal). wordpress is versatile, fairly easy to use even though i’m dumb as heck, and has the potential to look aesthetically pleasing which is important to me because STUFF HAS TO BE PRETTY OR IT DOESN’T MATTER.

this could also serve as a good distraction for me in the mornings when i’m tempted to shop online which i should not fucking be doing at all, ever. i am so dangerous. and sexy. and poor. i need to save money. my dangerous sexy poor ass needs a car and to move out of my dad’s basement. yes, life is as glamorous for me as it ever was. sleeping in filth, living in sin. baby i do it all! OH AND the boyfriend just gifted me a new camera so i can post big nice quality emotional photographs of my white trash hovel! it’s my favorite camera, the one i pawned for beer and cupcakes when i lived in alaska for a year, the panasonic lumix dmc-lx3! a damn fine bridge camera tbh. we shouldn’t have bought it because hello SAVING MONEY but i am so happy to have it. so yeah, i can get back into “photography”. i use that term loosely, because i never stopped taking pictures of things – instagram and phone cameras are still photography despite what some snobby ass cloud-yellin-at ass old people might say. if you’re taking pictures, it doesn’t matter what you’re taking them with. it’s photography. if you’re capturing and collecting moments, it’s photography. i don’t give a shit if you’re using a pinhole camera you made from a goddamn toilet paper tube to take dirty mirror selfies, it’s photography. i will defend this til the day the coppers drag me to the electric chair for my long list of heinous crimes!!!!!

i really should go and get ready for work. i get to work with my bitch amanda polanda all day today so i’m excited about that. i will return to this as often as possible, for like catharsis or whatever. to write about my romantic times at my spanish villa, my decadent life of poolside drinks and cocaine use in the tropics. all the fun stuff i do everyday, you know. some pictures, some bitchin, perhaps some product reviews since even though i am trying to save money i absolutely know for a fact that i will be TREATIN MYSELF here and there. we’ll see! either way i know my carefully arranged audience of adorable stuffed tea-party animals is excited