i could be your gruesome suitor

04-30-16 § Leave a comment

ew look who it is it’s me bitch! popped a xannie i’m sweatin. jk more like popped a xannie i feel like a normal functional human being for the first time in like weeks? woke up today, felt like shit from my impending menstrual doom and onset of what i think is tonsillitis. but the sun is shining and i’m hot so things isn’t all bad is they. it’s gonna rain later though and it’s not that warm, EW. it’s that time of year when i need warmth and sunlight to not feel like i’m going to halfheartedly eviscerate myself with a grapefruit spoon.

i’m a jobless bum right now so i’m working real hard on ye olde pretend internet business to try to sell my junk and make a little bit of money. i did apply at some places (RETAIL places. kill me) but no call backs so far. will have to apply at more places today i guess. can’t wait to be overworked and underpaid and coming home from a job everyday that makes me want to sob! yay! why did i not go to that college thing and make something out of my worthless ass self? whoops-a-daisy! idfk, i just know i have like 20 days to make enough money to be able to buy a present for jason for his birthday next month and be able to take him out cause it’s his 21st. i don’t know what i wanna get him or where i wanna take him but i would like to orchestrate it all to be something that he really likes and enjoys. back in october for my birthday he made me so happy. got me a bpal gift card, an ulta gift card, gave me money. of course he could have shit into his cupped hands and offered that to me and i would have been ecstatic, but. he was such a sweetheart about it all. i love that boy to death and i want to make him happy. also i’ve been a less-than-perfect RELATIONSHIP PARTNER lately so i want to start being better. not that buying people stuff makes up for your shortcomings, obviously, i just want to be the best me i can be for him because he deserves it and i love him.

i cannot wait for it to be summer. i can’t wait to spend a summer with him being mine and me being his. i look forward to so much in my life because he’s in it. i want me and him to be able to have a place together. our own place. just anywhere but living here, in my father’s basement, where i have to worry that drug addicts will steal my stuff and dogs will chew up my most valuable belongings or that i’ll get diseases from black mold or bit by hellish spiders in the night or have panic attacks over all of it. i live in a toxic household woe is me! for real tho i just want my own bathroom. like to clean and make nice looking and take ghetto fabulous baths in. i want my own kitchen where i can cook my own damn food. i want my independence and i guess that means i have to get off my lopsided ass and start doing stuff? doing stuff is hard

anyway, i do wanna start using this wordpress account. EVEN THOUGH I KEEP SAYING THAT THEN NEVER DOING IT. i’m gonna try. cause it’s good for me to journal about my life in any capacity so i should be doing it as ~self care~ or whatever. yeah. there’s a lot of other stuff i need to do for me too. smoke less cigarettes, get less insecure, eat less dairy, be less self-defeating, set goals, try harder. these things are all easier said than done, especially when you’re me. oops that was me being self-defeating lol. THE ROAD IS LONG! but like the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step or whatever, i guess

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